


Dark! Harry:  A More Likely Scenario

by jaderook



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-18
Updated: 2014-06-17
Packaged: 2018-02-05 03:31:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1803697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaderook/pseuds/jaderook
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gringotts, a goblin, Harry Potter, thoughts of revenge, and the requisite inheritance ritual. A drabble for your general amusement. In Chapter Two:  Dark! and Independent! Harry is back and ready for the first day of his internship at Gringotts, and he means business (which you can definitely tell because of his uncharacteristic shopping spree).</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Harry James Potter was annoyed. Ritual dagger? What kind of rubbish was that? He'd told the little ankle biters to stand well back as he wielded their so-called ritual dagger- but Harry knew a letter opener when he saw one. He wasn't stupid. He refused to take responsibility for the massive paper-cuts he'd given out indiscriminately. There had better not be a surcharge on his account in retaliation. A Goblin wrought letter opener wasn't all that impressive, in his opinion, anyway. It looked just like any other letter opener he'd ever seen.

"What's that you said about some sort of inheritance, Griphook?"

The little goblin looked slightly startled- and dropped the friendly bank executive customer service representative facade he had attempted to fool Harry with earlier.

"Well, Mr. Potter, if you don't want Gringotts V.I.P. treatment- I suppose I can't force you to accept it."

Harry kept glaring at the little goblin.

"DNA changing ritual daggers? Multiple impressive titles? More importantly- delusions of gentrification? I'm almost disappointed. I really would have liked to have been a slumlord. "

"It still isn't too late, Mr. Potter. Gringotts has an array of foreclosed properties in undesirable locations for your perusal. Just make us an offer on one that suits."

"That's probably the only truthful thing you've told me all evening."

"Our Estate Agents really do want to move those particular properties- and I get a percentage of any sales I help them close the deal on."

"I'll keep it in mind. However, I am a Boy-Who-Lived on a mission. I have just now entered a stage in my development where I want to rebel against my handlers. For some inexplicable reason, I felt that my first stop on the road to achieving my goal should be Gringotts."

"Well every good rebellion requires capital. And one doesn't know how much capital one actually possesses unless they ask for bank statements."

"Now you're just towing the company line, Griphook. I know you all charge a fee for extra bank statements."

"You are quite perceptive, Mr. Potter. It appears as if I can't get anything by you."

"I'm tired of Dumbledore's manipulations! I'm tired of the Ministry and the press! I'm tired of being on Voldemort's hit list! I want to start my own side! I will be nobody's poster boy any longer! I want to go rogue! I want to see them suffer!" Harry trailed off and sighed. "I just have no direction."

"If I may, Mr. Potter? I believe I have just the thing."

"Griphook, if you even deign to mention anything involving magical creatures and another special inheritance within the same breath, I will give you a matching paper cut on your other hand."

"So noted. I was merely going to offer you one of Gringotts glossy brochures on our various career opportunities."

"But I've already signed up for the classes I need to be an Auror! Of course, I have given recent thought to pretending to join Voldemort under a guise and then merely taking over his established organization of anarchy and chaos after defeating him. Both options look fairly tempting right now. However, coming here, I initially thought I'd have stock options, at the very least."

"Yes, and it is your last statement that gives me hope, Mr. Potter."

Harry looked at the brochures in his hand.

"Financial advisor? CPA? What? No curse-breaker?"

Griphook snorted.

"Not for you. There is nothing more satisfying than auditing one's enemies, Mr. Potter. You could be powerful- a real force in the banking world- if you wanted to be."

"Maybe. But my classes."

"Keep them. Then defy everyone's expectations on leaving school. Just think- you could still have titles added after your name if you go this route."

"It sounded much more impressive when there were special rings of power to go with them, though."

"You've obviously never been the creditor dispatching the repo goblins to retrieve goods from those who attempt to live well above their means. At Gringotts we've retrieved many such rings in those types of enterprises."

"You're very persuasive, Griphook. However, one of the things that I love about being a wizard is that anything I do will sound scary and unacceptable to my Muggle relatives. I was kind of hoping for an occupation they'd have to explain away with a bunch of ridiculous stories to their friends."

"Believe me, Mr. Potter, there is nothing more scary to unpleasant relations than the knowledge that you could get them on something like tax evasion or irregularities in their accounts."

"Well, when you put it like that- how can I refuse?"

"Good lad. Now if you'd just take a moment to fill out our intern application, we'll get you started. By next summer, you'll be ready to begin your first internship."

"I'm not signing anything without a solicitor looking it over. Not after the ritual dagger fiasco you threw at me."

"Well- there went my dream home in Majorca. I had at least twenty-five various fees worked into that document- all the better for taking outrageous advantage of you."

"And here I was thinking you really wanted me, Griphook."

"Only in so far as you get me an extra bonus for filling my quota, Mr. Potter."

"I figured as much."

"Indeed."

"Your indifference to my plight is staggering, Griphook."

"Here at Gringotts, we aim to please, Mr Potter. By the way, there's a surcharge for taking up my time today. I'm sure you understand. Business."

"Right. I'll have my solicitor owl you then?"

"Very good. Do keep in mind that there's an extra fee we charge for solicitors, though."

"I would also ask you to keep in mind that I'm still holding your letter opener, Griphook."

"You know what, Mr. Potter? I'll waive the fee just this once. I'm a bit behind on my quota for this quarter."

"Very good, Griphook."

"Pleasure doing business with you, Mr. Potter. May your enemies come to financial ruin and may you have the pleasure of witnessing the repo agents take full possession of everything they couldn't afford. It's a most amusing past time for us here at Gringotts."

"May all your subsequent customers be cluelessly taken in by high interest rates and hidden fees from not bothering to read the fine print, Griphook."

"You're too kind, Mr. Potter. May you become Harry Potter, CPA and strike fear into the hearts of all men of dubious financial standing. We look forward to the day you join our ranks."

"As do I, Griphook. As do I."


	2. Chapter 2

In Harry's defense, it _was_ a rather brilliant trunk. It had the most amazing expansion and locking charms, the wood was a polished mahogany, the inside was lined in cedar and green velvet, it had wheels that were even better than a Muggle carry-on, it was virtually held together by beautifully executed dovetail joints, and it even had a brass plate with room for his initials on it. They added the copperplate engraving free of charge, which was a nice service considering how mind numbingly expensive the trunk itself was.

Harry had been walking along Diagon Alley, minding his own business, when it happened. He passed the luggage store and there it was in the window. Most young wizards fell in love that way with a broom, but with Harry, it was luggage. His own previous flings with brooms simply paled in comparison to what this trunk did for him. If Harry ever got it in his head to marry a piece of luggage, then this trunk would have his eternal devotion.

It made him feel naughty and rebellious to buy this trunk. Admittedly, part of this was due to the fact that Harry had slipped into Diagon Alley without any adult minders knowing about it. However, ever since seeing Barty Crouch, Junior's trunk with Mad-Eye Moody stuffed in it, Harry had wanted a trunk like this. Who wouldn't? Harry Potter already had a trunk, after all, so this amounted to nothing more than a spur of the moment status purchase. Deep down, he knew Ron would be jealous upon seeing his new trunk. The trunk screamed wealth, and Harry was a little upset with Ron anyway. It would be subtle but effective revenge to flaunt it.

In fact, Harry was so high on his trunk purchase, that when he walked into Madam Malkin's for his school robes- well- let's just say he spared no expense there either. One smile, one well-placed sentence about needing an entire new wardrobe, and the sales witch was giddy. She worked on commission, so it was to be expected.

Harry almost backed out and changed his mind when he saw her going for things he'd seen the wealthier Slytherins wear, but he kept his mouth shut. He looked good in these clothes, so who was he to complain? Besides, he needed these new wizarding clothes for his summer internship. Muggle clothing wouldn't do anymore. He was about to protest that things were going too far when the sales witch convinced him to buy a pair of designer rectangular frames from Italy, but they looked a lot more sharp on him than his round glasses ever had. Harry had to admit- he looked suave. He looked debonair.

"You look like bloody Malfoy."

That was Ron.

"Hey, mate," Harry said cheerfully.

"I couldn't help but notice you gliding down the Alley with your fancy trunk, Harry. Imagine my surprise. Here I was thinking, nah, that can't be Harry. He would have told me he was coming to Diagon Alley today. He wouldn't leave me at the mercy of Fred and George. He wouldn't be buying a new trunk because he already owns one, and he certainly wouldn't be buying clothes that made him look like a poncy git."

"That trunk is bloody fantastic," Harry defended. "It's likely the most brilliant trunk in the luggage industry- and I won't hear a word against it."

Nobody was going to insult Harry's new trunk and get away with it; not even Ron Weasley.

Ron narrowed his eyes and was becoming red around the ears.

"What do you need a new trunk for anyway?"

"Luggage envy does not become you, Ronald," Harry responded loftily.

"Now you sound like bloody Hermione," Ron seethed.

But- enough of this- Harry thought. This could go on all day. He had places to go, things to do, and Ron was keeping him from them. Ron Weasley was not going to keep Harry Potter from his uncharacteristic shopping spree.

"I have exactly an hour-and-a-half before I'm due at Gringotts, and I intend to make the most of it," Harry declared with a challenge in his voice.

Ron looked skeptical.

"Alright, mate. I'll go with you."

If Ron thought this would dissuade Harry from spending vast amounts of galleons- then the ginger had another thing coming.

"Fine."

Ron glared. "Good. Fine."

Twenty minutes later saw Harry high on yet another purchase. Sure, Lucius Malfoy may have had a pimp cane, but Harry Potter now had a wicked looking black umbrella.

"Why the hell do you need an umbrella? There are charms for that," Ron groused.

"Ah- but you can twirl this around like a boss and use it as a weapon."

Actually, Harry had seen that done on TV, so he was certain his new and extremely awesome magical umbrella could live up to the challenge. He'd seen Hagrid wield his quite effectively too. Harry's pronouncement shut Ron up quickly and caused him to shoot envious glances at Harry's umbrella, much to Harry's amusement and smug satisfaction.

"Whatever," Ron muttered sullenly.

The bookstore was his personal coup. Ron almost went bonkers when Harry passed up the Quidditch section and went straight for the Curses, Hexes, and Jinxes section. However, the dragonhide leather day planner was too much for his friend to handle.

"Oh, come off it, Harry!"

"This will come in handy for my internship; well- and school too. Hermione will like it- she's been trying to get me to use a day planner for years," Harry said distractedly.

He looked down fondly at the stack of books in his arms-, which were well beyond the required school texts- and then to his trunk. His brass nameplate gleamed up at him merrily. Harry smiled.

"There's a bookshelf in my trunk. I have this inexplicable need to... fill it up."

He could actually hear Ron grinding his teeth.

"Are you Confunded?" Ron looked hard at Harry, before gasping dramatically. "Oh- bloody hell! Percy's got to you! This isn't Malfoy you're suddenly channeling- it's Percy!"

Harry merely raised a disdainful eyebrow.

"Mate, listen! Let me go get Fred and George. We can help. We're good at the whole pompous prefect intervention thing now."

"Look, Ron- Percy didn't get to me. Anyway- I need to get going. I don't want to be late on my first day."

Ron looked confused.

"First day? Wait- you're going to Gringotts. You've got a internship there?"

At Harry's nod, Ron became more frantic.

"It's worse than I thought. This is exactly the same type of behavior Percy exhibited when he started working at the Ministry. I'm going with you."

"You can't stay with me on my first day, Ron," Harry said in exasperation.

"No worries. I'll visit Bill."

However, upon arriving at Gringotts, Harry couldn't help but notice that Ron's attitude regarding him wasn't improving. That might have had something to do with the fact that Harry wasn't going in the direction of the Curse Breaking Department.

"Mate- you're going the wrong way."

"Ron, while you're here for visiting-your-brother-at-work-day, I'll be going over to the Accounting and Finance Department," Harry said patiently.

Ron's mouth was gaping open.

"What the bleeding hell, Harry? You're obviously not Polyjuiced. I've been with you long enough for that to wear off. I mean, okay, you don't want to be an Auror. I get that. And curse breaking I could understand. That's cool and exciting. But accounting and finance? Are you mental?"

But how could Harry explain his need for financial revenge on just about everyone? It didn't matter to him if they classified themselves as light or dark wizards or Muggles. His 'saving people thing' days were over. Harry had had enough and it was time for The Boy Who Lived to show just what an adjustable-rate mortgage and not keeping up with deferred payment loans could do to a person. He was more than ready to see irresponsible people hoisted on their own petards.

However, Harry was saved from responding by Ron's next statement.

"And what in Merlin's name is that on your right hand?"

Harry looked down at his right hand to admire the ring there. He had decided that if the goblins were going to lie about the existence of fancy inherited titles and rings of special power, then he'd just have to get his own ring.

"Did you know that in America they have class rings at the Salem School for Witches? The company that makes the rings was only too happy to make a Hogwarts ring with my name and a few special charms added in."

Harry proudly held out his hand so Ron could see. It was a gold ring with a garnet and the Hogwarts crest on top, and it had 1998 and Gryffindor on one side and Potter on the other.

Ron threw Harry's hand away from him in disgust.

"There is something seriously wrong with you, mate."

"I still have the owl order catalogue if you want one," Harry offered.

Ron's eyes immediately went back to the ring.

"Yeah? Maybe."

"Good. Well...okay, so, I'll see you," Harry said awkwardly before walking down the hallway.

Ron just stood there looking perplexed. Not Harry's problem.

It didn't take long before Harry passed by an open break room and heard goblins laughing.

"So, I said, 'Cor Blimey! You're one of _those_ types of Veela!' And he was all, 'Whadda ya mean?' And I was all like, 'Bad luck, Lord Smith-Jones the third of the Most Honorable House of Smith and the Most Ancient and Revered House of Jones. I'm sorry to say you'll die in three months if you don't find your bonded mate."

Harry saw two goblins, one who was practically choking on his sandwich he was laughing so hard.

"You didn't! Heh, heh, heh! What'd he say next, Gripfang?"

"He was all, 'But how will I know?' And I was all, 'Gringotts can help you… for a fee."

"Classic!"

"Then I said- I said-" The goblin telling the story was laughing hard and wiped away a tear. "Just one drop of blood can help us determine who your new husband is."

"No! You didn't!" the other goblin said dramatically.

"I did! He was all, 'Husband! But I don't like blokes!' And I said, 'You won't care once the magic takes hold.' Then he said, 'Yeah, I suppose that's true enough, mate.'"

"Brilliant!"

The goblin telling the story snorted. "Yes, I know. If this doesn't get me employee of the month—"

The two goblins spotted Harry and closed the door, effectively cutting off the rest of the tale.

Finally, Harry found the meeting room. Walking inside provided a most unpleasant surprise.

"Potter? What are _you_ doing here?" Draco Malfoy asked incredulously.

"I imagine I'm here for the same reason you're here," Harry said in a cool tone.

"Slush fund management?"

"They actually have classes for that?" Harry asked, oddly delighted to hear it.

Perhaps there was something wrong with him, after all.

Malfoy just gave him a look.

"I'm here to learn how to financially ruin people, actually," Harry finally admitted.

Malfoy's wand was on him in short order. "Who are you and what have you done with Potter?"

"I mean it, Malfoy. I want revenge on the world. I want to ruin Dumbledore, Voldemort, every trumped up Ministry lackey I come across, the fickle public, and my Muggle relatives. These teenage feelings of angst and anger have motivated me to take action and it may well turn out to be a phase- but on the off chance it isn't- well- at least I'll have lucrative career options."

Malfoy dropped his wand and nodded understandingly. "Worthy goals. I'm impressed, Potter."

Just then a grizzled looking goblin in a three-piece suit walked in the door and glared at the two of them.

"All right, interns. Take a seat." He handed them both a piece of parchment with a long list on it. "First lesson. We're going to drill these phrases into you, so repeat after me. 'Always wait three days before posting deposited checks into an account.'"

Harry and Draco hesitated too long.

"I can't hear you, interns!" the goblin barked out like a drill sergeant.

The two wizards half-heartedly repeated the phrase.

"That's pathetic. You'll have to do better than that!"

Harry glanced down at the list only to see things such as, 'Always itemize penalties', 'Never reveal the universal default clause on a credit card unless specifically asked', and 'Never promote the highest interest rate accounts' on the page before him.

"Is there a problem, Intern Potter?" the goblin asked him harshly.

"It's just, this is all so—" Harry trailed off as if at a loss. "Underhanded and devious."

Malfoy sighed sadly, as if disappointed.

The goblin gave Harry a condescending smirk.

"I think I like it," Harry concluded happily. "Honestly, if people don't read the fine print and ask for clarification, it's their own fault."

"Hear, hear! Well said, Intern Potter. Well said, indeed. Now, if you don't mind, we need to get back to the lesson. Repeat after me…"

Harry looked at Malfoy and Malfoy looked back. Harry decided that one day Malfoy would slip and go down in financial ruin too. Harry would see to it personally. However, for now…

Harry tentatively held his hand out to Malfoy. Malfoy didn't bat an eye before taking Harry's hand and shaking it. They each attempted to give the other a death grip and then gave each other evil smirks. Harry had no doubt that Malfoy understood completely. There was nothing like cultivating frenemies on your way to greatness.

Harry repeated the next phrase. "A deal is a deal…until a better one comes along."

This summer promised to be the best one yet. For the first time in his life, Harry Potter was looking forward to the future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, that is one of the Ferengi Rules of Acquisition at the end.

**Author's Note:**

> I first posted the chapter one drabble thingie back in 2011, but recently added the chapter two scenario because it needed to be done.


End file.
